How Can I be Confident?

Confidence is a spectrum. Sometimes we feel good, other times not so good.

Welcome to another issue of writing into the void and my therapeutic journaling on career related content. Why career content? Well, I’ve struggled to find a career and financial instability all my life so getting this all out is truly therapy.

I’m your tough love bestie who ‘made it’ by being stubborn and self sufficient.

Disclaimer: my grammar isn’t always going to be right (actually, most times it’ll be wrong), I sometimes get sayings wrong, and it might be chaotic but you might learn a thing or two.

I don’t know what it is about most people that don’t have the confidence to know their worth (I’m not excluded from this by the way). Is it how we were raised? What social media has shaped into the last couple of years? Toxic friends? Toxic bosses? A little bit of everything? It’s hard to tell why, when, or how it all happened for the majority of humans but we have to find a way to believe in ourselves more. Your confidence will improve so much about your life, especially what people you attract.

Confidence is a sliding scale. No one is just always confident. Some people are just better at becoming confident. Now let me clarify something, being arrogant and cocky IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING CONFIDENT. If you think your shit don’t stink, you might actually have very little confidence but you hide it by being an asshole. It wasn’t cute when you were a teenager, it’s definitely not cute in your 20’s, 30’s, etc… anyway. We’re constantly battling all the negative internal thoughts (like imposter syndrome) AND all the awful shit people say online. It’s hard out here. But confidence is truly a person’s best friend.

So what makes me qualified to talk about confidence? I don’t have any credentials but I have a lifetime of showing up in spaces I wasn’t always welcomed in and never letting that hold me back. I’m sure sometimes it was because of what I look like (non-white) but mostly it was because I was too much. I was always outspoken, stubborn on ideas I was passionate about, and no one could “put me in my place”. For managers, they viewed me as a defiant, headstrong, or unmanageable. Now in my 30’s, I’ve come to realize that many of those managers were incompetent in many ways and it wasn’t me. Instead of approaching me with curiosity and realizing my potential, they made me the problem. Constantly trying to put me down and make me feel less than. Though I definitely experience low confidence at times, it’s not something I would say I actively struggle with. And here’s why…

I knew that if I didn’t believe in myself then who would? It’s corny (and obvious), I know. But it’s true. No one else is going to be there for you like you can be for yourself. No one can show up for you like you can for yourself. It’s just you at those interviews. If you can’t represent yourself in a manner that shows to the interviewer that you believe you can do that job, you really think you’ll get the job? This can applied to many other situations (dates, new friends, etc) but the reward is different (unlike the reward of getting a job after killing it at an interview, dating someone with confidence can make them more attracted to you or allow you to see red flag of a controlling partner so you can dip 🏃).

So HOW do you actually become more confident? I asked different people “what’s one piece of advice you would give yourself when you needed to remind yourself that you weren’t less than?”. Here’s a few of what I got:

• “Fake it til’ you make it” (a classic)

• “There’s only one you so don’t compare yourself to anyone else, and you didn’t make it this far by not knowing.” (another classic)

• “Younger me would really be proud of this”

And my favorite:

• “Remember to talk to yourself and challenge negative thoughts the same way you would to someone else. If I truly think I should be doing better, I try to remember to be grateful for being self aware. And remember that the story in my head is just a story in my head.”

There’s a theme here.. stop thinking too much. This seems obvious, right? But do you actually practice not overthinking? How do you stop overthinking?

Those internal voices telling you you’re going to look dumb or someone is going to think something negative, don’t let it stop you. I know, it’s easier said than done. But when you practice this consistently, you’ll learn that failing is actually totally fine. IF you even ‘fail’. I tell my team all the time, mistakes are inevitable it’s what you do after that matters most. Fear will always be around, do it with fear. You’ll soon realize that it actually wasn’t that scary and the more times you do it, the more you realize that everything will be fine. You’ll start to feel more confident because there is less unknown. You’re a bit more prepared each time a new problem is presented to you. The more you push yourself outside of your comfort zone, the bigger that comfort zone becomes.

So, just fucking do it. Every single person that has done something big was likely scared to some extent but they did it anyways. Figure it out. Ask for help. Look for resources. But please step forward into that unknown and try. You’re the only one in your way. And most importantly, don’t give up if it’s not working. You’re unlearning or learning a new skill, depending on how you look at it. It’ll take time, a lot of failures, and self talks to find that confidence.

Personally speaking - I run a support team where half the people are across the globe. I’ve never lead a Support team let alone built it from scratch. But you know what I did? I’ve been doing it for 3 years. I ask for a lot of help. I found other Support Leaders to connect with and lean on. I found communities where I ask for a lot of advice. I found books and articles to read. I had no freaking idea what I was doing but I figured it out. My team is well respected and valued. We support well over 500 customers with thousands of users and our CSAT (customer satisfaction score) has never dropped from 95%. We’ve implemented so many tools, workflows, processes, and continue to evolve into new territory constantly. Even after 3 years I still find myself in situations where I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m doing it and I’m not going to lie, I’m doing a damn good job because I at least try.